HARD EARNED SMILE

M. L. Kaisungbou
As I zoomed out from the Old railway station in that half-boiled Brahmaputra Mail, my excitement of meeting back home was kidnapped by a feeling-rather doubt, as to what may be the ultimate result of my three years stay in Delhi.
It was late May of 2001, I had just taken my third year Bachelor degree exam and I was going home for vacation. “Only God knows how long my vacation will be” I thought. I fully realized there was a great chance that I might not be coming back to Delhi courtesy a very poor man’s son. I remembered Arnold (the Hollywood actor) well known saying “I’ll be back”. For me, coming back to Delhi or staying at home forever depended only on one thing-my result.
So, with this unconfirmed status, I got settled in my reserved seat (lucky me). As always, some of my friends started with jokes etc. However, as for me, my ‘consciouspace’ was packed with all what I had been doing during my three years stay. My first was about exploring Delhi. I tried my best to know every nook and corner of Delhi. My ‘carefree’ lifestyle almost hooked me in first year for second term. Luckily, I was bailed out at the last minute. Notwithstanding this “narrow escape” my second year life was drawn in the “world of complacency”. “Last year I didn’t study very hard still I got through, so I’ll study at the last minute” I thought. Last minute study did help pass my exams however I didn’t remember what I had learned. My third year started with the question “after graduation what next”. Still this question kept honking me as I moved out from this dusty Old Delhi station. Reaching home all my near and dear ones received me with joyous faces. “The traveller’s return” did I remember that poem? Ooh! I felt like a prince who returned home after winning a war! I am flooded with questions…nde dou niu wangjiulo?...sou sou wangjiulo?...Delhi ndekum bamlo?...liangmai dejiu bamlo etc..etc. And here I am with a tag “new comer from Delhi” proclaiming and answering all those queries whenever I went, young and old, everyone greeted me with happy faces. I thought my cheek will burst because I was so delighted. I was in another world!! In drastic contrast to our Delhi where nobody seemed to care, my home, my village was too sweet. “How on earth my parent had deprived me of all this”, I thought.
Before, my “Delhi fairness” fade I’ll have to meet all my friends I proclaimed to my mom. She laughed at me signaling her full consent to my plan. “For about one week I’ll meet all my friends after which I’ll help my parents”. One week passed but still many friends to meet! All my plan of helping the family-from cooking to washing to Chalu ngam khabou seemed to be non starter. As many stay prolonged, all those burning desire to help them dwindled… and there I was idle as before. ‘Old habit died hard’ Remmember!!
One fine morning one old man came and asked me, ‘nagu ariak kati loimi ma?’, ‘Apou loimi kumbo-e’ I replied trying to suppress the uneasiness that this question triggered. Oblivious of the real situation he walked away as if he was saying “I don’t care”. A dozen of questions started pouring into my mind as to what the future holds for me. As if she had seen my thought, my mom with her calmest voice, “nagu result dedou pad ralo”, “pad ji surabo de” came uneasy voice. Though her eyes I could sense the importance of this question. Not having passed even her tenth standard, she did not really know all the technical inputs required to pass a bachelor degree. Though of course, she knew that I was to complete my B. A (I tried to clarify that I’m doing science so it will be called B. Sc, but her tongue never allowed her to say so). However, what she knew crystal clear (more than me) was the amount of sweat and hardship which she had to endure just to have her son get a degree. I could sense the “cumulated expectation” when is he completing his studies?? When is he starting his earning… when?... when?... All the prayers and everything of my parents and everyone got locked only to be opened by one key-my result.
“Mom I need one hundred rupees” I asked shyly-pretending to be a bit shy of asking money as if I had never asked so. “Rangkang kai de leng lo”, “a gu result pat mi bamboo di sui-e si niu akamai Delhi lam kabam mai tu phone maniu raleng-e”. From her traditional money bag-cum-belt which she never stopped carrying, a good looking hundred rupees note came cracking into my hand. “My God!, it looks new” I thought.
Thus, I dashed down to Imphal with the jumping-pumping heart. Within an hour or so, the hundred billion dollar question will be answer. ‘Hello, kya hal hai?, so how is the result? Blah…blah…yes, I was waiting for your call…blah…blah.
Back home, I was eagerly waiting for my mom to come home. Late in the evening, I saw her from a distance. My God! I proclaim…nkha ga si pabang phung phuitud lu jiu wang-e. I could sense that she was totally exhausted. Nearer she came and I saw—paju khat di patiang ga si miti katik bo (charcoal) niu rang tai bo kum mi ne-blacken face. In that very moment I realized—hai bo pui hai niu atu Delhi lam makot khai bo-e. I rushed out to help her. However, she stopped for a while, looked up from her bending head and with a soothing voice asked, “nago result pat mi ma??”. I promptly reply, “ama, padmi ne”. “Pass thiu ma???”. “Pass thiu-e”. Hearing this, miti (charcoal) tai-tik-li-li bo (blacken face) ju si nui pad su de. Pale looking blacken face when steered by inner happiness could never hide the beauty of that solemn smile. I had seen thousand times my mother smiling. However, this smile-with a rare combination of heavy load behind, blacken face with wrinkles and an exhausted body-was the most beautiful. I watch her not knowing what to do next. Still smiling, she bent her head and headed for the place where her ‘Nkha’ was supposed to be unloaded. Before reaching that place, she paused, turned back and once again asked, “nang pass thiuchangma?” “malumakjiuma, yo, pass thiu-e.” was my reply. She half-smile, turned back and went inside the house.
Standing motionless, my emotional mind (by now) started analyzing that golden smile. Ugliness, untidiness and tiredness-all lost its relevance. What mattered most was the contentment of getting/accomplishing what one eagerly longs to achieve. All throughout my life, I have been struggling to study hard, discipline myself etc… and most recently I had done my best to pass my graduation and for all these, I was given a prize, the biggest prize, priceless in value… “The smile of my mother”.
I can still see vividly in my mind’s eyes this “hard earned smile”, and every morning I ask myself when will be the next time I shall see this. As I journey through my life, my aim, my goal is to have this smile flashed in my eyes once again never to be rusted… from my mother’s face.